Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true...

+CROAK+

Maybe he's in New Orleans tonight.

Maybe he's in Mississippi.

Maybe he just can't get online.

Maybe he's still in love with her.

Maybe I'll cut all my nails off to match the one that sheared off at the quick yesterday.

Maybe I'll get my hair cut short, even though he says he likes my hair long.

Maybe pizza and anime will be a Band-Aid for this hurt I'm feeling.

Maybe I'll cry tonight.

Maybe seeing old friends in my dreams is telling me something.
Maybe it isn't.
Maybe they weren't my friends, really.

Maybe Sarah Jane Moore and I have more than eyes in common.

Maybe I'm clingy.
Needy.
Moody.
Expecting too much.
Demanding too little.
Wanting too deeply.

Maybe it'll be a Happy New Year.

+CROAK+

you're gonna carry that weight.

END OF THE YEAR. EVERYBODY *OUT* OF THE POOL

Mood: Patiently waiting for him to respond, s'il vous plait

+CROAK+

Phone calls, phone calls;
Oh, what fun!
Phone calls, phone calls;
Should I make another one?

Siamo quei persi, quei dimenticati.

Si usted puede leer esto, usted es demasiado inteligente.

Hee.

Oi- Heart of my heart- where are you? I miss you.

+CROAK+

Mood- tired (when am I not?) but otherwise okay.
Currently reading: The Book of Mah Jong- An Illustrated Guide by Amy Lo.
Music: The Tango Lesson from Sally Potter's film

+CROAK+

Wait.
Just wait a second and we'll go back to how I was feeling a few days ago. The 26th.
Like this:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So here we go again.

Me in depression and "all alone" mode while I have a perfectly nice job and a roof over my head and food to eat and clothes to wear.

I don't want to take the chances waved in front of my eyes and crawl out from under this rock and live.

I'm killing myself.
I'm killing him by not being there for him.
I can't be there for him while I'm like this. He'd feel like he'd have to "fix" me and I don't want him to (oh, go ahead and say it) WASTE his energy on fixing me. It's going to end like that. I know it. He's going to become resentful of having to fix me all the time and I'll lose him all over again and I can't take that again.

And he knows it.
He knows that one false move and I'll snap.
And I know that when I leave he'll see me as everyone else: someone who takes and leaves.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

What is loose inside my head that I can't maintain even a friendship without it turning into a Hate Revue of failed promises that shouldn't have been made in the first place?
And I'm supposed to rein in my heart before it kills me again?

I'm falling apart and I won't be medicated.
I won't do it.
I watch and know I can't even take vitamins every morning without fail. I'd depend on medication to save my life and I'd fail.
J can't do it.
How can I?
J can't gather the strength to finish her PhD... she forgets her meds... she forgets me...
I'd never be able to do it.

Maintain the balance.

That's all I can do. I'll maintain the status quo and never shift an inch away from level and I'll die an old lady who never took the chances she was offered but I won't hurt any more people than I already have.

I won't make a dent in society.
But I won't be dented by life.

Out of the deep have I called unto thee, O Lord. Lord, hear my prayer.

And I miss him so much but I don't want him to know how much I need him in my life at any given moment; even though he probably already knows.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So later that night I talk to Someone in my family and they think I need to take baby steps in order to not trip and fall over my Meta-Shoelaces.
I agree.

I have to get well.

I have to get well so I can be who I really am...
"..someone I am is waiting for courage..."

And later on I called D and we talked for a long time about many things... including a great banter on ethics in accepting education fundage.

I just wish I were _there_ so we could talk like that more often. It cranks my brain back into gear, you know?

+CROAK+

Mood- yawning from late night online and inability to quit tossing/turning last night.
Currently reading: Protector of the Small: PAGE by Tamora Pierce

+CROAK+

Republished some of my entries for the archive... Wow. Talk about yer duck-and-cover kind of days.

I'm reading a really good series of books by Tamora Pierce- she's got a whole World thing going, just like Mercedes Lackey and Anne McCaffrey.

Lookit me- I'm all link chica today.

So many books- so little time. Also recently read was The Malifex by Steve Alton. The cover caught my eye as I was going through the New Books and I took it home and devoured it. Mmm-mmm good.

I think I'm going to have to buy "Blast!" for myself as nobody seemed to be offering it to me for Christmas. Though my Natal Day is coming soon- Twelfthnight and all that- so I'll just hold off until that's over.

OKAY.
Enough with the links, child.

Bright blue sky but with bands of grey clouds today. Crisp and cold in the morning... but since I'm stuck inside now I don't know how crisp/cold it is currently.

Saw Bill's pictures of Barrage at D'Land this AM.... DENIS is with them! Errol is with them!!! I was shocked, especially since Denis had said quite emphatically that he was no longer with Barrage any longer. Confusion reigns in my head and I will have to email Kit and ask her what is going on.

Not much else to report beyond the usual fact of: The power thing in the back corner that hums is driving me batty. It hums at the pitch that makes my ears (especially my left one) feel as if they've been stuffed with cotton. I may have to take to wearing earplugs here again.

+CROAK+

Music: Score from A.I.by John Williams.
Last books read: "A Charmed Life- The Spirituality of Potterworld" by Francis Bridger
and "Detour: My Bipolar Road Trip in 4D" by Lizzie Simon.

+CROAK+

Another week, another croak-fest.
SpokeyDoke. Here we go.

Email on the 17th. He's ok. Not harmed in body, but considerably rumpled in spirit.

Phone tag and simultaneous email tag with him and my (also living in same area as he does) friend K on 19th leads to good conclusion- she drives down and brings me to his apartment on Saturday. We all watch "Fellowship of the Ring," we cruise on over to see "Two Towers," we have food, K brings me back home again that evening.

HA! The best laid plans o'mice an' men.

Side note: I received what goes down in my personal history as the Best Christmas Present Ever.
He wrote a song for me.
And sang it.
It was so very good.

Back to the main story.

We get engrossed in conversation and start Fellowship a bit... late... after having to go and borrow it from a friend.

We halt the DVD at "continues on disc two" part and head out to the theatre... where we discover that Towers is sold out. While I hem over watching a late show, that one sells out, too. ARG.
(Lesson the first: Buy tix online.)

We eventually decide to watch "Star Trek: Nemesis" and even though it's not Towers, it's a good flick and one of the better entries in the sprawling saga.

(Note to self: Was it an even-numbered movie? Check on this.)

Head back to apartment, order pizza (MUCh hemming and hawing over this. +sigh+ Nobody likes fungus and pineapple on their 'za.) and watch second disc of Fellowship.

Much goodness.

Then the phone call home. Which spoils some of my good feelings from a good day with friends.
Decisions are made, choices are made.
I choose to spend more time with my (Ooooh: I almost wrote "fam" in reference to my friends... Freud would be proud.) friends instead of racing home at the crack of whip.

The next day is spent- of all places- at the MALL, racing about, getting last minute gifties for family.

I email him, hoping he's ok.
I get an email back on Monday night/Tuesday morningish.
He's not as all right as I'd be happy with, but he'll survive.

Merry Christmas!

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

Have gotten word from The Man himself that he's not dead.

Not happy, but not dead. I wish we could time our personal downswings so we wouldn't both be in one at the same time, but I guess we'll hae to commiserate together.

The fact that he's not happy worries me.
I know it's not about me, but I wish I could help him more than I already do.

Am I strong enough?
I hope so.
Because he's worth it to me.

"Some people claim/that there's a woman to blame/ But I know/ it's nobody's fault"

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

Which would you rather:

Not know if he is alive or injured or even dead?

OR

Know that he is okay and just hasn't bothered to email you in over a week?

I'm glad he's alive- I mean, I THINK he's alive since he went and played with his online pet- but what have I done to deserve being ignored for a week?

Oooh, look- I'm all possessive and clingy and cranky. I just am not the fan of being ignored. He can go and feed his online pet but he can't drop a line to let me know he's just busy right now, don't worry, I'm not dead...

Rrrg.

What is wrong with me?!? Why can't I just be happy that he's not hurt or anything drastic? Why do I have to go ballistic over this?

And why am I putting this online instead of emailing him with my frustrations?
Well- 'cause I don't think anyone's reading _this_, but I don't want him to get the (sad but true) idea that I'm going crazy because he hasn't emailed me...

I just want to be as important to him as a little electronic pet, that's all.

+CROAK+

I'm telling you- the universe is wanting me to chill out:

Day One

Day Two

Revenge of the Friends Who Mean Well...

Ok, Ok, but if I don't hear from him before next Monday, I'm calling him!!!!!!

+CROAK+

Another month, another meltdown.

Ok, I _know_ I can be paranoid and tightly wound-up, but I haven't heard from D since I hugged him goodbye on Sunday night.

Not a peep.
Shades of the November 4th fiasco, I know, I know,....

Wait.

You still don't know all the things that have happened since November 18th.

RIght.

To sum up-
I apologized for screaming. We made up.

I went to Thanksgiving and had a wonderful time in MusWorld.

I came back and went back up to his apartment for another weekend.
We were supposed to go to the RenFaire again (to make up for the sloshing we received during my previous weekend up there) but never secured a ride to/from.

Instead, we had had a great Chinese buffet followed by a GREAT conversation (his theories that make enormous amounts of sense, even to me, on the nature of reality and the threads that connect soul/body/mind together) on Friday night that lasted until 6 AM or so. And I wasn't even tired while we were talking.

Saturday we listened to music and watched South Park (Frosty vs Jesus) and then went to see "The Laramie Project".

If you haven't seen "The Laramie Project" yet, GO and see it. However you can go and see a production of it, I'd advise you to take it in because it was tremendous. Hurtful and sad and funny and, oh, just the range of human experience within a real-life tragedy.

We were planning to go to the next Harry Potter movie afterwards but it was too late by the time the play let out, so we walked back- me shivering from the cold- to the apartment.
Ordered delivery food and watched the BeBop movie... at which point I fell asleep near the end.
Hey. It was two in the morning.
I made some vague protestations about not being tired and wanting to stay up until we could watch the Buffy Musical but he walked me to bed and I was out like a light.
I remember the alarm waking me up around 4:30 or so... but I was too tired... so I didn't wake him up and went right back to sleep myself.

We eventually did watch the Buffy Musical ("Once More, With Feeling") and I think he liked it. He didn't say he hated and I guess I'll have to take it at face value.
I did sing a lot of the songs, though. That can be annoying. +sigh+

No RenFaire but we had a good morning of Musical and other music.

Then came what makes me happy- I was talking to him about something- I can't remember what, but the phrase that I'd been keeping my teeth so tightly clenched around so as not to say it came tumbling out of my mouth.
"What _are_ we?"

Of all the things I have ever read about or have been told over and over again, that is one of the Seven Deadly Phrases.

One of the things that you neverneverneverever speak out loud in the presence of a person you are attracted to, ever.
One of the phrases guaranteed to make you sound shrewish or needy or (worst of all) wanting to "DEFINE" (noises of doom) the situation so as to pin it down and dissect.

Oh, hell. Oh, spite.
And I said it.

But he took me by the hand and walked me to the back room and we had a chat.
He aired his thoughts and I aired mine and they seemed to be heading towards the same area:
We still need to spend time together and get to know each other better--- but I don't want to be with anybody but him- and he doesn't want to be with anybody but me.

(/warm fuzzy feeling)

So we're "dating."

+GRIN+

But that brings me back to where I came in.

After we attended a family gathering (his fam) we went to see the Harry Potter sequel (YAY! It was very good.) and then he drove me home...

And that's the last I have heard from him since.

He hasn't responded to any of my emails (three, I think) and he hasn't logged on to play with his online pets...
I've been getting increasingly worried as the week jumps along.

So I'm in the break room today, munching on leftover party food (/groan, ate too much) and a wave of shivery fear crawls around in my abdomen. (I don't think it was food, as food has never tended to replicate quite the same cold feeling of "RUN" that fear does.)
I stand in front of the phone- the fear crests again- and make a sudded grab for my cheap-o phone card and start punching in numbers.

But when I dial the last digit, the pre-recorded voice says "You do not have enough credits on this card to place that call."

Maybe the universe- much in the same way that he does- is just telling me to relax and breathe and that everything will be okay.

I hope.

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

Crud.
I have managed, yet again, to make the people I care about most in the world angry with me.

(/sarcastic, bitter bow)
What can I say. It's a gift.

Yes, come- learn at my flippers. I will show you the many ways you can screw up royally and lose people you love.
Marvel at my lack of social graces.
Breathe deeply: can you smell the fear and self-loathing?

I misunderstood Him.
I thought... well, it doesn't matter what I _thought_ anymore. Because now it becomes: He was trying to help me and I did the email equivalent of a hissy-fit. I screamed at him (all-caps-lock) once or twice.

What do I do now?

He's hurt, bewildered by the resurgence of this hateful person I've managed to hide from Him so far. A whole year without the DemonBeast emerging from me.... and now I've gone and vented at him.

He was only trying to help me and I yelled at him.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I accept people's assistance when it is offered?

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

The weekend arrived and flew by so rapidly that I hardly know what to say.

I had the cold that was mutating its way through the staff; I didn't know if I'd be able to go at all. But after a Friday night's sleep, I begged my way up to where I wanted to be and spent the day and night and day with my friends.

The first day was a day of getting used to the give and take of conversation with my peers again. I'd grown so used to people not understanding, comprehending, or even wanting to hear what I had to say that I kept apologizing for any missteps I might have taken.
But they are a forgiving lot, my peers.
I got to re-connect with an old friend who I had not seen in a long time.
I got to walk arm in arm with the Dark Angel and just BE.
I got to ignore anything vaguely resembling a schedule for a while.

OK, so it did rain in the middle of Zoltan The Adequate's show, but all in all, a good day was had.

Got to spend dinner with the friends, too- jumping from topic to topic with an ease I had thought long since rusted away from disuse.

And the evening- watched a good movie with two friends.
Evening melted into lateness... I reacquainted myself with Him and remembered things about me that I thought I had lost years ago.

What I said earlier about him was right, though- he can see through my panic and make me comfortable again.

But now something new coils itself inside of my head and whispers sickly murmurs into my heart:

You know it's not forever.
You know that you're just there for the briefest of heartbeats...
Trapped.
When you spread your wings to fly away from your fear and your chains, he will remain here and you must leave him- forever, this time.
He's teaching you how to leave him.

He is teaching me how to leave him. If/When I do gain the courage to leave the home I've burrowed into over the past decade, I will have to fly so far away from its lure of comfort and safety that I will never see it again.

Fear and terror and loss.

This is what I have to look forward to when it is my time to leave.

I leave to find a better life for myself; but the leaving will shred me to bits.

And the scattered pieces won't lead my way home.

+CROAK+

Befuddled
I know the words that the letters spell out
but I can't make them lie down on the page
can't force them to spell out the howling
can't reason with them to gel

they used to gel
they used to flow right out of me
like I wasn't in control of them
(Willow possessed by the gypsy)
like they used me for a conduit

maybe I'm a burned-out conduit
flash-fried
by the fierceness of my passion
unless
unless it wasn't mine after all

wouldn't that be the ultimate
slap
to my already shredded heart
the passion that ruled me
wasn't even mine
nothing to look back on
nothing to smile gently about in my dotage
nothing to warn little carbon-copies of myself about

so I guess it's full circle after all
comfortably numb
only able to hear other's voices
my own voice destroyed or removed
given to a more suitable user
(there'll be nobody home)

Oh mio fancilluo vedrai
Vai vedrai che un sorriso
Nasconde spesso un gran' dolore
Vai vedrai follia del uomo

+CROAK+
Okay.
Am verymerryti out of it today. I blame myself- should have just slept in and followed my normal routine; but "NO!" I had to get up and be all useful. Worm Your Honor, let me take me home.

And to top it all off, I have heard nothing from the Dark Angel in over a week.
ZipZeroZilch.
Not a rant, not a blurb, not a spam, not a doggone thing.
Did my acceptance of his invitation constitute acquiescence on my part and make him lose interest in me since he obviously found how far he could push me?
There I go again, attempting to grok the mind of one of the few un-easily-grokked people I know.
He parses me so easily- pegging me for the fool and hopeless fluffy bunny that I am.
That I am now.
Morose fluffy bunny, sure, but so far from the realm of him...
He's darkness and a lover of the things that lie beneath and within....
and I am one of the Mundane that are cringe-inducing at WestGate.

I read how they perceive people like me- I felt so embarrassed while they flayed me and my kind alive. Denigrating everything I am and everything I hold faith in. Does he, too, feel this way about me?
I have to know. I have to ask him if that is what he sees when he looks at me.
If he sees me in this same way- as someone too blinded by a belief in light and joy to be 'worthy' of him... then I need to know so that I can go about the business of shredding my heart for him again before too much time goes by.
I waited so long for him- and I find myself making the same choice again.

And as for the people who mock me for my choices- I don't mock them for theirs. Sure, what they rejoice in makes me uncomfortable and I would not choose it for my own Door to The Universe, but I do not tell them (or believe, for that matter) that they are stupid or idiotic for their choice of Avatar.
In my heritage, there was balance for all things- Druids for bringing life into the world and for showing the people the joy of life in this form; Druids for taking life to slake the hunger of the gods and for showing the people that without shadow, there is no substance.

So they mock me for my choice and will not tolerate my free will?
How closed-minded of them. They say that they hate people who think theirs is the only way while giving voice to the very same concept.

It's like being Japanese and wearing white to a Goth Party. The uninformed toss you out- but they are wrong to do so.

:A Fly Distracts:

You want to know something funny?
I want to make another mix tape for him.
HA!
Somewhere in the Universe, there's laughter.

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

Update: Hit umpteen bazillion fanpages after posting last and have discovered that I'm not alone in my confusion- the Halloween mythology is convoluted and some movies seem to rewrite previously established canon while others simply ignore it altogether.

I think it's pretty interesting to see how the fans deal with the changes as each subsequent movie is released. And as for the 8th movie? There's pretty much angry consensus across the web that it and 3 are the weakest entries in the series. JLC's brief appearance in 8 serves as Charlton Heston's brief appearance in the Planet of The Apes sequel did- to eliminate all possibility of further resurrecting the character.
Go JLC.

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

Working on the little Sailor Mars costume- The Goddess of Procrastination smiles on me and I am attempting to handsew some finishing touches on it at work today. Nothing huge- just some bows and tack-stitching the velcro connectors down so that the four-year-old who will inhabit it tomorrow won't peel things off and get a lopsided kerchief...

Then I need to work on what *I'M* wearing to work tomorrow- it's that green dress that I never get to wear anywhere. Maybe I'll paint my face, too.

Going to visit the DarkAngel soon- I'm nervous and tense and all sorts of lovely shades of panic.
I'm worried that, without the safety of the whitenoise of television and other people about, I won't be able to hold an intelligent conversation with him. And I want to be intelligent around him. I want him to see that I'm a lot more than the sum of my fandoms.
Not that I'm not intelligent.
But I am scared that I will fall back into my old conversational patterns- You know, the ones where I say what people want to hear from me... where I tailor my likes/dislikes to pander to my audience. Where I dig into the mass quantities of information socked away in my brain and dig out what I think they want to hear me talk about at that moment.
And he'll see right through that, I think.
I don't want to start out with holding my usual bellicose shield up, either. I like a good debate, truly I do. But sometimes I can't be objective about my passions and I end up vengeful and bitter and the debate turns into a personal attack that never ends well.

Enough with the NAVEL GAZING!

So I finally watched most of the Halloween movies this past weekend.
I had seen Part 1 before- back when H20 was being released and I really wanted to see it... but I wanted to know the history before I watched (what was then going to be) the last chapter.
So we rented 1 and 2.
I guess I wasn't ready for it- mock away, I acknowledge my Fraidy-Cat standing.

Many years later, AMC Monsterfest is showing the BackStory of Halloween and I get into it. Immediately following was the Halloween Marathon. So I watched 2, 3, 4, and 5.
I enjoyed them and I can now check that off of my list of irrational fears to conquer.
It did help that they were interrupted by commercials, that they were edited for TV and that it was broad daylight outside.
Another contributing factor was that I was simultaneously working on the Sailor Mars costume, so the materials were laid out on the floor in front of the TV and I got to do hemming and bow work while I was watching characters get hacked and dismembered.

Reviews:
2: I liked the fact that it picked up RIGHT after number 1 ended. Good show by JLC, etc.
3: The less said, the better. I couldn't stay focused and ended up flipping channels through most of it. I just didn't understand it and how it fit into the MythArc. I have heard that this is one of the least liked of the series. Exploding masks. Whatever.
4: Back to basics. Stupid people who don't listen to the audience. I WAS a bit confused as to whose daughter the Dawn-A-Like was- maybe they edited that out or I missed it on a snack run.
5: Pushing my patience as I was getting tired of watching by that point. I was definitely confused by the ending- who broke Myers out of the hoosegow? I know it was the Person In Pointy Boots, but who were they and WHY?!?!?! Maybe 6 explains, but they didn't show that one. I'll have to hit some fansites and peruse the lore.

+CROAK+