Befuddled
I know the words that the letters spell out
but I can't make them lie down on the page
can't force them to spell out the howling
can't reason with them to gel

they used to gel
they used to flow right out of me
like I wasn't in control of them
(Willow possessed by the gypsy)
like they used me for a conduit

maybe I'm a burned-out conduit
flash-fried
by the fierceness of my passion
unless
unless it wasn't mine after all

wouldn't that be the ultimate
slap
to my already shredded heart
the passion that ruled me
wasn't even mine
nothing to look back on
nothing to smile gently about in my dotage
nothing to warn little carbon-copies of myself about

so I guess it's full circle after all
comfortably numb
only able to hear other's voices
my own voice destroyed or removed
given to a more suitable user
(there'll be nobody home)

Oh mio fancilluo vedrai
Vai vedrai che un sorriso
Nasconde spesso un gran' dolore
Vai vedrai follia del uomo

+CROAK+
Okay.
Am verymerryti out of it today. I blame myself- should have just slept in and followed my normal routine; but "NO!" I had to get up and be all useful. Worm Your Honor, let me take me home.

And to top it all off, I have heard nothing from the Dark Angel in over a week.
ZipZeroZilch.
Not a rant, not a blurb, not a spam, not a doggone thing.
Did my acceptance of his invitation constitute acquiescence on my part and make him lose interest in me since he obviously found how far he could push me?
There I go again, attempting to grok the mind of one of the few un-easily-grokked people I know.
He parses me so easily- pegging me for the fool and hopeless fluffy bunny that I am.
That I am now.
Morose fluffy bunny, sure, but so far from the realm of him...
He's darkness and a lover of the things that lie beneath and within....
and I am one of the Mundane that are cringe-inducing at WestGate.

I read how they perceive people like me- I felt so embarrassed while they flayed me and my kind alive. Denigrating everything I am and everything I hold faith in. Does he, too, feel this way about me?
I have to know. I have to ask him if that is what he sees when he looks at me.
If he sees me in this same way- as someone too blinded by a belief in light and joy to be 'worthy' of him... then I need to know so that I can go about the business of shredding my heart for him again before too much time goes by.
I waited so long for him- and I find myself making the same choice again.

And as for the people who mock me for my choices- I don't mock them for theirs. Sure, what they rejoice in makes me uncomfortable and I would not choose it for my own Door to The Universe, but I do not tell them (or believe, for that matter) that they are stupid or idiotic for their choice of Avatar.
In my heritage, there was balance for all things- Druids for bringing life into the world and for showing the people the joy of life in this form; Druids for taking life to slake the hunger of the gods and for showing the people that without shadow, there is no substance.

So they mock me for my choice and will not tolerate my free will?
How closed-minded of them. They say that they hate people who think theirs is the only way while giving voice to the very same concept.

It's like being Japanese and wearing white to a Goth Party. The uninformed toss you out- but they are wrong to do so.

:A Fly Distracts:

You want to know something funny?
I want to make another mix tape for him.
HA!
Somewhere in the Universe, there's laughter.

+CROAK+