Mood- tired (when am I not?) but otherwise okay.
Currently reading: The Book of Mah Jong- An Illustrated Guide by Amy Lo.
Music: The Tango Lesson from Sally Potter's film

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Wait.
Just wait a second and we'll go back to how I was feeling a few days ago. The 26th.
Like this:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So here we go again.

Me in depression and "all alone" mode while I have a perfectly nice job and a roof over my head and food to eat and clothes to wear.

I don't want to take the chances waved in front of my eyes and crawl out from under this rock and live.

I'm killing myself.
I'm killing him by not being there for him.
I can't be there for him while I'm like this. He'd feel like he'd have to "fix" me and I don't want him to (oh, go ahead and say it) WASTE his energy on fixing me. It's going to end like that. I know it. He's going to become resentful of having to fix me all the time and I'll lose him all over again and I can't take that again.

And he knows it.
He knows that one false move and I'll snap.
And I know that when I leave he'll see me as everyone else: someone who takes and leaves.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

What is loose inside my head that I can't maintain even a friendship without it turning into a Hate Revue of failed promises that shouldn't have been made in the first place?
And I'm supposed to rein in my heart before it kills me again?

I'm falling apart and I won't be medicated.
I won't do it.
I watch and know I can't even take vitamins every morning without fail. I'd depend on medication to save my life and I'd fail.
J can't do it.
How can I?
J can't gather the strength to finish her PhD... she forgets her meds... she forgets me...
I'd never be able to do it.

Maintain the balance.

That's all I can do. I'll maintain the status quo and never shift an inch away from level and I'll die an old lady who never took the chances she was offered but I won't hurt any more people than I already have.

I won't make a dent in society.
But I won't be dented by life.

Out of the deep have I called unto thee, O Lord. Lord, hear my prayer.

And I miss him so much but I don't want him to know how much I need him in my life at any given moment; even though he probably already knows.

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So later that night I talk to Someone in my family and they think I need to take baby steps in order to not trip and fall over my Meta-Shoelaces.
I agree.

I have to get well.

I have to get well so I can be who I really am...
"..someone I am is waiting for courage..."

And later on I called D and we talked for a long time about many things... including a great banter on ethics in accepting education fundage.

I just wish I were _there_ so we could talk like that more often. It cranks my brain back into gear, you know?

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Mood- yawning from late night online and inability to quit tossing/turning last night.
Currently reading: Protector of the Small: PAGE by Tamora Pierce

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Republished some of my entries for the archive... Wow. Talk about yer duck-and-cover kind of days.

I'm reading a really good series of books by Tamora Pierce- she's got a whole World thing going, just like Mercedes Lackey and Anne McCaffrey.

Lookit me- I'm all link chica today.

So many books- so little time. Also recently read was The Malifex by Steve Alton. The cover caught my eye as I was going through the New Books and I took it home and devoured it. Mmm-mmm good.

I think I'm going to have to buy "Blast!" for myself as nobody seemed to be offering it to me for Christmas. Though my Natal Day is coming soon- Twelfthnight and all that- so I'll just hold off until that's over.

OKAY.
Enough with the links, child.

Bright blue sky but with bands of grey clouds today. Crisp and cold in the morning... but since I'm stuck inside now I don't know how crisp/cold it is currently.

Saw Bill's pictures of Barrage at D'Land this AM.... DENIS is with them! Errol is with them!!! I was shocked, especially since Denis had said quite emphatically that he was no longer with Barrage any longer. Confusion reigns in my head and I will have to email Kit and ask her what is going on.

Not much else to report beyond the usual fact of: The power thing in the back corner that hums is driving me batty. It hums at the pitch that makes my ears (especially my left one) feel as if they've been stuffed with cotton. I may have to take to wearing earplugs here again.

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Music: Score from A.I.by John Williams.
Last books read: "A Charmed Life- The Spirituality of Potterworld" by Francis Bridger
and "Detour: My Bipolar Road Trip in 4D" by Lizzie Simon.

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Another week, another croak-fest.
SpokeyDoke. Here we go.

Email on the 17th. He's ok. Not harmed in body, but considerably rumpled in spirit.

Phone tag and simultaneous email tag with him and my (also living in same area as he does) friend K on 19th leads to good conclusion- she drives down and brings me to his apartment on Saturday. We all watch "Fellowship of the Ring," we cruise on over to see "Two Towers," we have food, K brings me back home again that evening.

HA! The best laid plans o'mice an' men.

Side note: I received what goes down in my personal history as the Best Christmas Present Ever.
He wrote a song for me.
And sang it.
It was so very good.

Back to the main story.

We get engrossed in conversation and start Fellowship a bit... late... after having to go and borrow it from a friend.

We halt the DVD at "continues on disc two" part and head out to the theatre... where we discover that Towers is sold out. While I hem over watching a late show, that one sells out, too. ARG.
(Lesson the first: Buy tix online.)

We eventually decide to watch "Star Trek: Nemesis" and even though it's not Towers, it's a good flick and one of the better entries in the sprawling saga.

(Note to self: Was it an even-numbered movie? Check on this.)

Head back to apartment, order pizza (MUCh hemming and hawing over this. +sigh+ Nobody likes fungus and pineapple on their 'za.) and watch second disc of Fellowship.

Much goodness.

Then the phone call home. Which spoils some of my good feelings from a good day with friends.
Decisions are made, choices are made.
I choose to spend more time with my (Ooooh: I almost wrote "fam" in reference to my friends... Freud would be proud.) friends instead of racing home at the crack of whip.

The next day is spent- of all places- at the MALL, racing about, getting last minute gifties for family.

I email him, hoping he's ok.
I get an email back on Monday night/Tuesday morningish.
He's not as all right as I'd be happy with, but he'll survive.

Merry Christmas!

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