Befuddled
I know the words that the letters spell out
but I can't make them lie down on the page
can't force them to spell out the howling
can't reason with them to gel
they used to gel
they used to flow right out of me
like I wasn't in control of them
(Willow possessed by the gypsy)
like they used me for a conduit
maybe I'm a burned-out conduit
flash-fried
by the fierceness of my passion
unless
unless it wasn't mine after all
wouldn't that be the ultimate
slap
to my already shredded heart
the passion that ruled me
wasn't even mine
nothing to look back on
nothing to smile gently about in my dotage
nothing to warn little carbon-copies of myself about
so I guess it's full circle after all
comfortably numb
only able to hear other's voices
my own voice destroyed or removed
given to a more suitable user
(there'll be nobody home)
Oh mio fancilluo vedrai
Vai vedrai che un sorriso
Nasconde spesso un gran' dolore
Vai vedrai follia del uomo
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
Monday, November 04, 2002
+CROAK+
Okay.
Am verymerryti out of it today. I blame myself- should have just slept in and followed my normal routine; but "NO!" I had to get up and be all useful. Worm Your Honor, let me take me home.
And to top it all off, I have heard nothing from the Dark Angel in over a week.
ZipZeroZilch.
Not a rant, not a blurb, not a spam, not a doggone thing.
Did my acceptance of his invitation constitute acquiescence on my part and make him lose interest in me since he obviously found how far he could push me?
There I go again, attempting to grok the mind of one of the few un-easily-grokked people I know.
He parses me so easily- pegging me for the fool and hopeless fluffy bunny that I am.
That I am now.
Morose fluffy bunny, sure, but so far from the realm of him...
He's darkness and a lover of the things that lie beneath and within....
and I am one of the Mundane that are cringe-inducing at WestGate.
I read how they perceive people like me- I felt so embarrassed while they flayed me and my kind alive. Denigrating everything I am and everything I hold faith in. Does he, too, feel this way about me?
I have to know. I have to ask him if that is what he sees when he looks at me.
If he sees me in this same way- as someone too blinded by a belief in light and joy to be 'worthy' of him... then I need to know so that I can go about the business of shredding my heart for him again before too much time goes by.
I waited so long for him- and I find myself making the same choice again.
And as for the people who mock me for my choices- I don't mock them for theirs. Sure, what they rejoice in makes me uncomfortable and I would not choose it for my own Door to The Universe, but I do not tell them (or believe, for that matter) that they are stupid or idiotic for their choice of Avatar.
In my heritage, there was balance for all things- Druids for bringing life into the world and for showing the people the joy of life in this form; Druids for taking life to slake the hunger of the gods and for showing the people that without shadow, there is no substance.
So they mock me for my choice and will not tolerate my free will?
How closed-minded of them. They say that they hate people who think theirs is the only way while giving voice to the very same concept.
It's like being Japanese and wearing white to a Goth Party. The uninformed toss you out- but they are wrong to do so.
:A Fly Distracts:
You want to know something funny?
I want to make another mix tape for him.
HA!
Somewhere in the Universe, there's laughter.
+CROAK+
Okay.
Am verymerryti out of it today. I blame myself- should have just slept in and followed my normal routine; but "NO!" I had to get up and be all useful. Worm Your Honor, let me take me home.
And to top it all off, I have heard nothing from the Dark Angel in over a week.
ZipZeroZilch.
Not a rant, not a blurb, not a spam, not a doggone thing.
Did my acceptance of his invitation constitute acquiescence on my part and make him lose interest in me since he obviously found how far he could push me?
There I go again, attempting to grok the mind of one of the few un-easily-grokked people I know.
He parses me so easily- pegging me for the fool and hopeless fluffy bunny that I am.
That I am now.
Morose fluffy bunny, sure, but so far from the realm of him...
He's darkness and a lover of the things that lie beneath and within....
and I am one of the Mundane that are cringe-inducing at WestGate.
I read how they perceive people like me- I felt so embarrassed while they flayed me and my kind alive. Denigrating everything I am and everything I hold faith in. Does he, too, feel this way about me?
I have to know. I have to ask him if that is what he sees when he looks at me.
If he sees me in this same way- as someone too blinded by a belief in light and joy to be 'worthy' of him... then I need to know so that I can go about the business of shredding my heart for him again before too much time goes by.
I waited so long for him- and I find myself making the same choice again.
And as for the people who mock me for my choices- I don't mock them for theirs. Sure, what they rejoice in makes me uncomfortable and I would not choose it for my own Door to The Universe, but I do not tell them (or believe, for that matter) that they are stupid or idiotic for their choice of Avatar.
In my heritage, there was balance for all things- Druids for bringing life into the world and for showing the people the joy of life in this form; Druids for taking life to slake the hunger of the gods and for showing the people that without shadow, there is no substance.
So they mock me for my choice and will not tolerate my free will?
How closed-minded of them. They say that they hate people who think theirs is the only way while giving voice to the very same concept.
It's like being Japanese and wearing white to a Goth Party. The uninformed toss you out- but they are wrong to do so.
:A Fly Distracts:
You want to know something funny?
I want to make another mix tape for him.
HA!
Somewhere in the Universe, there's laughter.
+CROAK+
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
+CROAK+
Update: Hit umpteen bazillion fanpages after posting last and have discovered that I'm not alone in my confusion- the Halloween mythology is convoluted and some movies seem to rewrite previously established canon while others simply ignore it altogether.
I think it's pretty interesting to see how the fans deal with the changes as each subsequent movie is released. And as for the 8th movie? There's pretty much angry consensus across the web that it and 3 are the weakest entries in the series. JLC's brief appearance in 8 serves as Charlton Heston's brief appearance in the Planet of The Apes sequel did- to eliminate all possibility of further resurrecting the character.
Go JLC.
+CROAK+
Update: Hit umpteen bazillion fanpages after posting last and have discovered that I'm not alone in my confusion- the Halloween mythology is convoluted and some movies seem to rewrite previously established canon while others simply ignore it altogether.
I think it's pretty interesting to see how the fans deal with the changes as each subsequent movie is released. And as for the 8th movie? There's pretty much angry consensus across the web that it and 3 are the weakest entries in the series. JLC's brief appearance in 8 serves as Charlton Heston's brief appearance in the Planet of The Apes sequel did- to eliminate all possibility of further resurrecting the character.
Go JLC.
+CROAK+
+CROAK+
Working on the little Sailor Mars costume- The Goddess of Procrastination smiles on me and I am attempting to handsew some finishing touches on it at work today. Nothing huge- just some bows and tack-stitching the velcro connectors down so that the four-year-old who will inhabit it tomorrow won't peel things off and get a lopsided kerchief...
Then I need to work on what *I'M* wearing to work tomorrow- it's that green dress that I never get to wear anywhere. Maybe I'll paint my face, too.
Going to visit the DarkAngel soon- I'm nervous and tense and all sorts of lovely shades of panic.
I'm worried that, without the safety of the whitenoise of television and other people about, I won't be able to hold an intelligent conversation with him. And I want to be intelligent around him. I want him to see that I'm a lot more than the sum of my fandoms.
Not that I'm not intelligent.
But I am scared that I will fall back into my old conversational patterns- You know, the ones where I say what people want to hear from me... where I tailor my likes/dislikes to pander to my audience. Where I dig into the mass quantities of information socked away in my brain and dig out what I think they want to hear me talk about at that moment.
And he'll see right through that, I think.
I don't want to start out with holding my usual bellicose shield up, either. I like a good debate, truly I do. But sometimes I can't be objective about my passions and I end up vengeful and bitter and the debate turns into a personal attack that never ends well.
Enough with the NAVEL GAZING!
So I finally watched most of the Halloween movies this past weekend.
I had seen Part 1 before- back when H20 was being released and I really wanted to see it... but I wanted to know the history before I watched (what was then going to be) the last chapter.
So we rented 1 and 2.
I guess I wasn't ready for it- mock away, I acknowledge my Fraidy-Cat standing.
Many years later, AMC Monsterfest is showing the BackStory of Halloween and I get into it. Immediately following was the Halloween Marathon. So I watched 2, 3, 4, and 5.
I enjoyed them and I can now check that off of my list of irrational fears to conquer.
It did help that they were interrupted by commercials, that they were edited for TV and that it was broad daylight outside.
Another contributing factor was that I was simultaneously working on the Sailor Mars costume, so the materials were laid out on the floor in front of the TV and I got to do hemming and bow work while I was watching characters get hacked and dismembered.
Reviews:
2: I liked the fact that it picked up RIGHT after number 1 ended. Good show by JLC, etc.
3: The less said, the better. I couldn't stay focused and ended up flipping channels through most of it. I just didn't understand it and how it fit into the MythArc. I have heard that this is one of the least liked of the series. Exploding masks. Whatever.
4: Back to basics. Stupid people who don't listen to the audience. I WAS a bit confused as to whose daughter the Dawn-A-Like was- maybe they edited that out or I missed it on a snack run.
5: Pushing my patience as I was getting tired of watching by that point. I was definitely confused by the ending- who broke Myers out of the hoosegow? I know it was the Person In Pointy Boots, but who were they and WHY?!?!?! Maybe 6 explains, but they didn't show that one. I'll have to hit some fansites and peruse the lore.
+CROAK+
Working on the little Sailor Mars costume- The Goddess of Procrastination smiles on me and I am attempting to handsew some finishing touches on it at work today. Nothing huge- just some bows and tack-stitching the velcro connectors down so that the four-year-old who will inhabit it tomorrow won't peel things off and get a lopsided kerchief...
Then I need to work on what *I'M* wearing to work tomorrow- it's that green dress that I never get to wear anywhere. Maybe I'll paint my face, too.
Going to visit the DarkAngel soon- I'm nervous and tense and all sorts of lovely shades of panic.
I'm worried that, without the safety of the whitenoise of television and other people about, I won't be able to hold an intelligent conversation with him. And I want to be intelligent around him. I want him to see that I'm a lot more than the sum of my fandoms.
Not that I'm not intelligent.
But I am scared that I will fall back into my old conversational patterns- You know, the ones where I say what people want to hear from me... where I tailor my likes/dislikes to pander to my audience. Where I dig into the mass quantities of information socked away in my brain and dig out what I think they want to hear me talk about at that moment.
And he'll see right through that, I think.
I don't want to start out with holding my usual bellicose shield up, either. I like a good debate, truly I do. But sometimes I can't be objective about my passions and I end up vengeful and bitter and the debate turns into a personal attack that never ends well.
Enough with the NAVEL GAZING!
So I finally watched most of the Halloween movies this past weekend.
I had seen Part 1 before- back when H20 was being released and I really wanted to see it... but I wanted to know the history before I watched (what was then going to be) the last chapter.
So we rented 1 and 2.
I guess I wasn't ready for it- mock away, I acknowledge my Fraidy-Cat standing.
Many years later, AMC Monsterfest is showing the BackStory of Halloween and I get into it. Immediately following was the Halloween Marathon. So I watched 2, 3, 4, and 5.
I enjoyed them and I can now check that off of my list of irrational fears to conquer.
It did help that they were interrupted by commercials, that they were edited for TV and that it was broad daylight outside.
Another contributing factor was that I was simultaneously working on the Sailor Mars costume, so the materials were laid out on the floor in front of the TV and I got to do hemming and bow work while I was watching characters get hacked and dismembered.
Reviews:
2: I liked the fact that it picked up RIGHT after number 1 ended. Good show by JLC, etc.
3: The less said, the better. I couldn't stay focused and ended up flipping channels through most of it. I just didn't understand it and how it fit into the MythArc. I have heard that this is one of the least liked of the series. Exploding masks. Whatever.
4: Back to basics. Stupid people who don't listen to the audience. I WAS a bit confused as to whose daughter the Dawn-A-Like was- maybe they edited that out or I missed it on a snack run.
5: Pushing my patience as I was getting tired of watching by that point. I was definitely confused by the ending- who broke Myers out of the hoosegow? I know it was the Person In Pointy Boots, but who were they and WHY?!?!?! Maybe 6 explains, but they didn't show that one. I'll have to hit some fansites and peruse the lore.
+CROAK+