+CROAK+

'scuse me, I think I have a frog in my throat.

/me falls to the floor laughing.

Hi, kids. Interesting things have happened since I last blogged.
And by interesting I mean the stuff that would make a few people blanch.

I don't know. I want to tell the WORLD about it, but it isn't all my story to tell and it really wouldn't be fair to all parties involved if I were to tell Version Deb.1 without equal time being given to all the candidates.

But the upshot of the whole schmere is that I'm better off today than yesterday... but not as much as tomorrow.

("Stop with the music!" "Yeah, knock it off, frog-child!" "Nobody cares about freakin' Spiral Staircase!!!" "Well, nobody who reads this blog, anyway." "True." "You see, when She gets involved in a conversation that makes her leery, she tends to equate the situation with lyrics. Control over the situation is often desired and forged through...")

++++++++++SQUASH++++++++++

/me carefully picks up the Monty Python Foot and drops it in the dishwasher.

Upshot?
Derrick and I are no longer dating.
It hurt, I had an experience that could be interpreted in myriad ways, and now I'm not in pain over the non-existence of our relationship.

Not being in pain is good.

Still being paxified, (did I tell you all this?) and I am thinking how glad I am of that.

Summer Reading Program Pre-Registration begins today in the system... the RUSH is on!

Off to sort a cart.
I mean, I'm not physically going anywhere, I just don't think I can sort and blog at the same time. One or the other will be neglected.

And I don't get paid to blog.

+CROAK+

Cause it's two months later
and I'm still screaming
pinkpillsrattle

love is gone
friends aren't friends
pain all around me
they suffer
and i feel like it's my fault

wanted to be healthy
wanted to be happy
wanted to begin again

and they rattle around
barely enough
more cotton than pills in the bottle

everybody, quick!
get off your meds
make her feel guilty
trying to be healthy
trying to be happy

just letmego
let me let you go
just go

Music: Now That's What I Call Music 43 (Track- "Ooh, La La" by Vengaboys)
Mood: a bit sad from not seeing D this weekend. And my feet are cold.

+CROAK+

Hey, hey, hey, kids- we have an algebraic equation solved today!
From now on, J=Jaclyn. (Dance the old Dance of Permission with me, my children!)

More Fushigi was watched last night- we're up to some really angsty Tamahome moments.

Cliche' is being re-written these days. It's going to get finished. Honestly.

On another side-note, Watchman (my Prince Charming from Cinderella in '93) is having a bit of a funk in his life. I'm trying to cheer him up but I think maybe the efforts may not work. +sigh+ He and his brother are both so sad that they're each alone... I still think maybe... and then I think to myself:
Oi!
Could I honestly live with my Sister-Mine for more than a few weeks without wanting to rip my hair out?
Nope.

So I'll just have to hope that once classes start for Watchman that he'll have things to do to keep him from being sad and lonely.
And same goes for D... from whom I have not yet elicited name-permission.

Eye doctor tomorrow- get those yellow fluorescing drops in!

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

...Sit in the chair and be good now...

...She's been everybody else's girl; maybe one day she'll be her own...


Trying desperately to re-assign:
I take it back;
I've changed my mind.

No no no why can't I scrape you out of my head?

In order to live I had to reclaim
the space in my heart-
your shape in my brain...

And I still can't scrape you out of my head...

Tapes and things you gave to me
Tori and Sarah and a crappy ring
I don't want to trash music just to set me free

But I've gotta scrape you out of my head

I'll cauterize where you set up shop
Let minutia move in there
(There's always room for JELL-O)
And maybe the Hell will finally stop...

I deserve something better than your voice in my head...


+CROAK+

+CROAK+

OK. Those of you (of the what, three people who read this?) who know me well will appreciate the true horror of the followng statement.
(I'm still reeling from the implications.)

*ahem*

I went through the Crate & Barrel catalog the other night... and enjoyed it....

!!!!!!

I wasn't _really_ shopping, per se... I was thinking to myself, "OK. If I had to set up a household with a clean slate... that would be nice to have as a (insert item here)...

!!!!!!

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

Ok. Just a quick noise to say a few things:

1.) Milky Chai with sugar are good.
2.) You can't, however, make Fake!Chai with Lipton Tea bags and Cinnamon Altoids.

3.) When deciding to re-enter your fanfic in the archives... it is always better to re-write the glaring continuity errors and resubmit it that way and just hope that no one remembers the glaring continuity errors from the original fic.

4.) Vienna Tang is a great name.
5.) Vienna Tang is also a great musician.

6.) You, too, will someday have the tune of "Bolero" stuck in your head.
7.) If you're lucky, you will hear it as played by Blast! during this time.

+CROAK+

Listening to: Dixie Chicks- Home

This time when he swung the bat
And I found myself laying flat I wondered
What a way to spend a dime
What a way to use the time
Ain't it baby
I looked at my reflection
In the window walking past
And I saw a stranger
I'm just so scared all the time
It makes me one more reason
Why the world's dangerous
Dixie Chicks- Truth No. 2
written by Patty Griffin

+CROAK+

Finally figured out how to set up the page in Word97 so I can print thank you notes on beautiful notecards.

That and the CD player repair that I did today are making me feel like "Repair Chica" again. I have the power!

*musical interlude*

I mistook the warnings for wisdom
From so called friends quick to advise
Though your touch was telling me otherwise
Somehow I saw you as a weakness
I thought I had to be strong
Oh but I was just young, I was scared, I was wrong

Not a night goes by
I don't dream of wandering
Through the home that might have been
And I listened to my pride
When my heart cried out for you
Now every day I wake again
In a house that might have been
A home

Guess I did what I did believing
That love is a dangerous thing
Oh but that couldn't hurt anymore than never knowing

Not a night goes by
I don't dream of wandering
Through the home that might have been
And I listened to my pride
When my heart cried out for you
Now every day I wake again
In a house that might have been
A home
A home

Four walls, a roof, a door, some windows
Just a place to run when my working day is through
They say home is where the heart is
If the exception proves the rule I guess that's true

Not a night goes by
I don't dream of wandering
Through the home that might have been
And I listened to my pride
When my heart cried out for you
Now every day I wake again
In a house that might have been
A home
A home

Dixie Chicks- "A Home"
written by Maia Sharp & Randy Sharp

*back to CROAKing*

I just really enjoy that song- the three part harmony, the bittersweet tones..

And now I'm distracted by the music and I REALLY ought to get back to RoomCleanDay!

And I STILL haven't seen The Two Towers yet. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

Fun fun fun day today.

The First Annual (Federally Mandated) Sexual Harrassment Seminar followed by the Race Back Home On Your Lunch Hour was held today.

Bah.

On a brighter flashback note, I had a GOOD Birthday.

J had to go up to look at certain things in Potential Academia-Land and invited me along.
She knew I'd jump at the chance... since D lives right across the way from where she was heading.

(Query: Should I ask these two initialled people if they want me to knock off the 19th century posing and use full names... or make up pseudonyms for them...? Sooner or later another J and D will enter the blog and though "confusion is nothing new" to me, I know it may not be for others... Then again... who the heck else is reading this but the people who already know who they are? +sigh+ I'll ask.)

So we headed up and surprised D in the Fortress of (Non-, at least that day) Solitude. Other people were there, but a good conversation was had by all and I learned a valuable lesson. I will _never_ have my Ikka teppanyaki stolen by D. Fhtagn!

We had lunch (more good conversation and merriment), parked back at the Fo(N)S and struck out for campus.
He took us on a lovely and DarnNearAll-Encompassing Tour of Campus and we even got to take a gander inside the TEC.

Back to the Fo(N)S and more good conversation until it was time for J and me to return back home.

I'm really glad that those two have met. No hackles raised on either side that I could notice, and I got to spend time with D on my Birthday.

Came home, had the Fam Birthday, talked to my Poet-Terrorist For A Better Society on the phone and subsequently decided to come out of FLOvian retirement.
What's a FLOvian, you ask? Have at it.

And I'm starting a fic about underground home contractors.

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

A little word from John Williams and Cynthia Weil....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I close my eyes
And there in the shadows I see your light
You come to me out of my dreams across the night

You take my hand
Though you may be so many stars away
I know that our spirits and souls are one
We've circled the moon and we've touched the sun
So here we'll stay

For always
Forever
Beyond here and on to eternity
For always
Forever
For us there's no time and no space
No barrier love won't erase
Wherever you go
I still know in my heart you'll be here
With me

From this day on
I'm certain that I'll never be alone
I know what my heart must have always known
That love has a power that's all its own

And for always
Forever
Now we can fly
And for always
And always
We will go on
Beyond goodbye

For Always
Forever
Beyond here and on to eternity
For Always
And ever
You'll be a part of me

And for always
Forever
A thousand tomorrows may cross the sky
And for always
And always
We will go on beyond goodbye...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Year- Blank canvas.
Pick yourself up/Brush yourself off/And start all over again.

Swing Time was on last night. I stayed up and watched the Black And White Glamour. Found myself dancing on the tiny patch of uncluttered carpet as I used to do so long ago.
Even in sweatpants and a turtleneck ...with bare feet... you can feel graceful when that music plays and you watch Ginger twirled about by Fred.

Tough times all over, though. Fundless Friends and Loved Ones in Pain and dreams of Mini-London by barge... Don't ask why Mr. "HEY94!" Himself wandered through the dreamscape and why I keep seeing London as a miniaturized themepark with perfectly sculpted gardens over and over and over when I fall asleep.
"Dance with me- I want my arms about you..."

And, hey! My birthday is on Monday.

+CROAK+

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true...

+CROAK+

Maybe he's in New Orleans tonight.

Maybe he's in Mississippi.

Maybe he just can't get online.

Maybe he's still in love with her.

Maybe I'll cut all my nails off to match the one that sheared off at the quick yesterday.

Maybe I'll get my hair cut short, even though he says he likes my hair long.

Maybe pizza and anime will be a Band-Aid for this hurt I'm feeling.

Maybe I'll cry tonight.

Maybe seeing old friends in my dreams is telling me something.
Maybe it isn't.
Maybe they weren't my friends, really.

Maybe Sarah Jane Moore and I have more than eyes in common.

Maybe I'm clingy.
Needy.
Moody.
Expecting too much.
Demanding too little.
Wanting too deeply.

Maybe it'll be a Happy New Year.

+CROAK+

you're gonna carry that weight.

END OF THE YEAR. EVERYBODY *OUT* OF THE POOL

Mood: Patiently waiting for him to respond, s'il vous plait

+CROAK+

Phone calls, phone calls;
Oh, what fun!
Phone calls, phone calls;
Should I make another one?

Siamo quei persi, quei dimenticati.

Si usted puede leer esto, usted es demasiado inteligente.

Hee.

Oi- Heart of my heart- where are you? I miss you.

+CROAK+

Mood- tired (when am I not?) but otherwise okay.
Currently reading: The Book of Mah Jong- An Illustrated Guide by Amy Lo.
Music: The Tango Lesson from Sally Potter's film

+CROAK+

Wait.
Just wait a second and we'll go back to how I was feeling a few days ago. The 26th.
Like this:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So here we go again.

Me in depression and "all alone" mode while I have a perfectly nice job and a roof over my head and food to eat and clothes to wear.

I don't want to take the chances waved in front of my eyes and crawl out from under this rock and live.

I'm killing myself.
I'm killing him by not being there for him.
I can't be there for him while I'm like this. He'd feel like he'd have to "fix" me and I don't want him to (oh, go ahead and say it) WASTE his energy on fixing me. It's going to end like that. I know it. He's going to become resentful of having to fix me all the time and I'll lose him all over again and I can't take that again.

And he knows it.
He knows that one false move and I'll snap.
And I know that when I leave he'll see me as everyone else: someone who takes and leaves.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

What is loose inside my head that I can't maintain even a friendship without it turning into a Hate Revue of failed promises that shouldn't have been made in the first place?
And I'm supposed to rein in my heart before it kills me again?

I'm falling apart and I won't be medicated.
I won't do it.
I watch and know I can't even take vitamins every morning without fail. I'd depend on medication to save my life and I'd fail.
J can't do it.
How can I?
J can't gather the strength to finish her PhD... she forgets her meds... she forgets me...
I'd never be able to do it.

Maintain the balance.

That's all I can do. I'll maintain the status quo and never shift an inch away from level and I'll die an old lady who never took the chances she was offered but I won't hurt any more people than I already have.

I won't make a dent in society.
But I won't be dented by life.

Out of the deep have I called unto thee, O Lord. Lord, hear my prayer.

And I miss him so much but I don't want him to know how much I need him in my life at any given moment; even though he probably already knows.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So later that night I talk to Someone in my family and they think I need to take baby steps in order to not trip and fall over my Meta-Shoelaces.
I agree.

I have to get well.

I have to get well so I can be who I really am...
"..someone I am is waiting for courage..."

And later on I called D and we talked for a long time about many things... including a great banter on ethics in accepting education fundage.

I just wish I were _there_ so we could talk like that more often. It cranks my brain back into gear, you know?

+CROAK+

Mood- yawning from late night online and inability to quit tossing/turning last night.
Currently reading: Protector of the Small: PAGE by Tamora Pierce

+CROAK+

Republished some of my entries for the archive... Wow. Talk about yer duck-and-cover kind of days.

I'm reading a really good series of books by Tamora Pierce- she's got a whole World thing going, just like Mercedes Lackey and Anne McCaffrey.

Lookit me- I'm all link chica today.

So many books- so little time. Also recently read was The Malifex by Steve Alton. The cover caught my eye as I was going through the New Books and I took it home and devoured it. Mmm-mmm good.

I think I'm going to have to buy "Blast!" for myself as nobody seemed to be offering it to me for Christmas. Though my Natal Day is coming soon- Twelfthnight and all that- so I'll just hold off until that's over.

OKAY.
Enough with the links, child.

Bright blue sky but with bands of grey clouds today. Crisp and cold in the morning... but since I'm stuck inside now I don't know how crisp/cold it is currently.

Saw Bill's pictures of Barrage at D'Land this AM.... DENIS is with them! Errol is with them!!! I was shocked, especially since Denis had said quite emphatically that he was no longer with Barrage any longer. Confusion reigns in my head and I will have to email Kit and ask her what is going on.

Not much else to report beyond the usual fact of: The power thing in the back corner that hums is driving me batty. It hums at the pitch that makes my ears (especially my left one) feel as if they've been stuffed with cotton. I may have to take to wearing earplugs here again.

+CROAK+

Music: Score from A.I.by John Williams.
Last books read: "A Charmed Life- The Spirituality of Potterworld" by Francis Bridger
and "Detour: My Bipolar Road Trip in 4D" by Lizzie Simon.

+CROAK+

Another week, another croak-fest.
SpokeyDoke. Here we go.

Email on the 17th. He's ok. Not harmed in body, but considerably rumpled in spirit.

Phone tag and simultaneous email tag with him and my (also living in same area as he does) friend K on 19th leads to good conclusion- she drives down and brings me to his apartment on Saturday. We all watch "Fellowship of the Ring," we cruise on over to see "Two Towers," we have food, K brings me back home again that evening.

HA! The best laid plans o'mice an' men.

Side note: I received what goes down in my personal history as the Best Christmas Present Ever.
He wrote a song for me.
And sang it.
It was so very good.

Back to the main story.

We get engrossed in conversation and start Fellowship a bit... late... after having to go and borrow it from a friend.

We halt the DVD at "continues on disc two" part and head out to the theatre... where we discover that Towers is sold out. While I hem over watching a late show, that one sells out, too. ARG.
(Lesson the first: Buy tix online.)

We eventually decide to watch "Star Trek: Nemesis" and even though it's not Towers, it's a good flick and one of the better entries in the sprawling saga.

(Note to self: Was it an even-numbered movie? Check on this.)

Head back to apartment, order pizza (MUCh hemming and hawing over this. +sigh+ Nobody likes fungus and pineapple on their 'za.) and watch second disc of Fellowship.

Much goodness.

Then the phone call home. Which spoils some of my good feelings from a good day with friends.
Decisions are made, choices are made.
I choose to spend more time with my (Ooooh: I almost wrote "fam" in reference to my friends... Freud would be proud.) friends instead of racing home at the crack of whip.

The next day is spent- of all places- at the MALL, racing about, getting last minute gifties for family.

I email him, hoping he's ok.
I get an email back on Monday night/Tuesday morningish.
He's not as all right as I'd be happy with, but he'll survive.

Merry Christmas!

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

Have gotten word from The Man himself that he's not dead.

Not happy, but not dead. I wish we could time our personal downswings so we wouldn't both be in one at the same time, but I guess we'll hae to commiserate together.

The fact that he's not happy worries me.
I know it's not about me, but I wish I could help him more than I already do.

Am I strong enough?
I hope so.
Because he's worth it to me.

"Some people claim/that there's a woman to blame/ But I know/ it's nobody's fault"

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

Which would you rather:

Not know if he is alive or injured or even dead?

OR

Know that he is okay and just hasn't bothered to email you in over a week?

I'm glad he's alive- I mean, I THINK he's alive since he went and played with his online pet- but what have I done to deserve being ignored for a week?

Oooh, look- I'm all possessive and clingy and cranky. I just am not the fan of being ignored. He can go and feed his online pet but he can't drop a line to let me know he's just busy right now, don't worry, I'm not dead...

Rrrg.

What is wrong with me?!? Why can't I just be happy that he's not hurt or anything drastic? Why do I have to go ballistic over this?

And why am I putting this online instead of emailing him with my frustrations?
Well- 'cause I don't think anyone's reading _this_, but I don't want him to get the (sad but true) idea that I'm going crazy because he hasn't emailed me...

I just want to be as important to him as a little electronic pet, that's all.

+CROAK+

I'm telling you- the universe is wanting me to chill out:

Day One

Day Two

Revenge of the Friends Who Mean Well...

Ok, Ok, but if I don't hear from him before next Monday, I'm calling him!!!!!!

+CROAK+

Another month, another meltdown.

Ok, I _know_ I can be paranoid and tightly wound-up, but I haven't heard from D since I hugged him goodbye on Sunday night.

Not a peep.
Shades of the November 4th fiasco, I know, I know,....

Wait.

You still don't know all the things that have happened since November 18th.

RIght.

To sum up-
I apologized for screaming. We made up.

I went to Thanksgiving and had a wonderful time in MusWorld.

I came back and went back up to his apartment for another weekend.
We were supposed to go to the RenFaire again (to make up for the sloshing we received during my previous weekend up there) but never secured a ride to/from.

Instead, we had had a great Chinese buffet followed by a GREAT conversation (his theories that make enormous amounts of sense, even to me, on the nature of reality and the threads that connect soul/body/mind together) on Friday night that lasted until 6 AM or so. And I wasn't even tired while we were talking.

Saturday we listened to music and watched South Park (Frosty vs Jesus) and then went to see "The Laramie Project".

If you haven't seen "The Laramie Project" yet, GO and see it. However you can go and see a production of it, I'd advise you to take it in because it was tremendous. Hurtful and sad and funny and, oh, just the range of human experience within a real-life tragedy.

We were planning to go to the next Harry Potter movie afterwards but it was too late by the time the play let out, so we walked back- me shivering from the cold- to the apartment.
Ordered delivery food and watched the BeBop movie... at which point I fell asleep near the end.
Hey. It was two in the morning.
I made some vague protestations about not being tired and wanting to stay up until we could watch the Buffy Musical but he walked me to bed and I was out like a light.
I remember the alarm waking me up around 4:30 or so... but I was too tired... so I didn't wake him up and went right back to sleep myself.

We eventually did watch the Buffy Musical ("Once More, With Feeling") and I think he liked it. He didn't say he hated and I guess I'll have to take it at face value.
I did sing a lot of the songs, though. That can be annoying. +sigh+

No RenFaire but we had a good morning of Musical and other music.

Then came what makes me happy- I was talking to him about something- I can't remember what, but the phrase that I'd been keeping my teeth so tightly clenched around so as not to say it came tumbling out of my mouth.
"What _are_ we?"

Of all the things I have ever read about or have been told over and over again, that is one of the Seven Deadly Phrases.

One of the things that you neverneverneverever speak out loud in the presence of a person you are attracted to, ever.
One of the phrases guaranteed to make you sound shrewish or needy or (worst of all) wanting to "DEFINE" (noises of doom) the situation so as to pin it down and dissect.

Oh, hell. Oh, spite.
And I said it.

But he took me by the hand and walked me to the back room and we had a chat.
He aired his thoughts and I aired mine and they seemed to be heading towards the same area:
We still need to spend time together and get to know each other better--- but I don't want to be with anybody but him- and he doesn't want to be with anybody but me.

(/warm fuzzy feeling)

So we're "dating."

+GRIN+

But that brings me back to where I came in.

After we attended a family gathering (his fam) we went to see the Harry Potter sequel (YAY! It was very good.) and then he drove me home...

And that's the last I have heard from him since.

He hasn't responded to any of my emails (three, I think) and he hasn't logged on to play with his online pets...
I've been getting increasingly worried as the week jumps along.

So I'm in the break room today, munching on leftover party food (/groan, ate too much) and a wave of shivery fear crawls around in my abdomen. (I don't think it was food, as food has never tended to replicate quite the same cold feeling of "RUN" that fear does.)
I stand in front of the phone- the fear crests again- and make a sudded grab for my cheap-o phone card and start punching in numbers.

But when I dial the last digit, the pre-recorded voice says "You do not have enough credits on this card to place that call."

Maybe the universe- much in the same way that he does- is just telling me to relax and breathe and that everything will be okay.

I hope.

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

Crud.
I have managed, yet again, to make the people I care about most in the world angry with me.

(/sarcastic, bitter bow)
What can I say. It's a gift.

Yes, come- learn at my flippers. I will show you the many ways you can screw up royally and lose people you love.
Marvel at my lack of social graces.
Breathe deeply: can you smell the fear and self-loathing?

I misunderstood Him.
I thought... well, it doesn't matter what I _thought_ anymore. Because now it becomes: He was trying to help me and I did the email equivalent of a hissy-fit. I screamed at him (all-caps-lock) once or twice.

What do I do now?

He's hurt, bewildered by the resurgence of this hateful person I've managed to hide from Him so far. A whole year without the DemonBeast emerging from me.... and now I've gone and vented at him.

He was only trying to help me and I yelled at him.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I accept people's assistance when it is offered?

+CROAK+

+CROAK+

The weekend arrived and flew by so rapidly that I hardly know what to say.

I had the cold that was mutating its way through the staff; I didn't know if I'd be able to go at all. But after a Friday night's sleep, I begged my way up to where I wanted to be and spent the day and night and day with my friends.

The first day was a day of getting used to the give and take of conversation with my peers again. I'd grown so used to people not understanding, comprehending, or even wanting to hear what I had to say that I kept apologizing for any missteps I might have taken.
But they are a forgiving lot, my peers.
I got to re-connect with an old friend who I had not seen in a long time.
I got to walk arm in arm with the Dark Angel and just BE.
I got to ignore anything vaguely resembling a schedule for a while.

OK, so it did rain in the middle of Zoltan The Adequate's show, but all in all, a good day was had.

Got to spend dinner with the friends, too- jumping from topic to topic with an ease I had thought long since rusted away from disuse.

And the evening- watched a good movie with two friends.
Evening melted into lateness... I reacquainted myself with Him and remembered things about me that I thought I had lost years ago.

What I said earlier about him was right, though- he can see through my panic and make me comfortable again.

But now something new coils itself inside of my head and whispers sickly murmurs into my heart:

You know it's not forever.
You know that you're just there for the briefest of heartbeats...
Trapped.
When you spread your wings to fly away from your fear and your chains, he will remain here and you must leave him- forever, this time.
He's teaching you how to leave him.

He is teaching me how to leave him. If/When I do gain the courage to leave the home I've burrowed into over the past decade, I will have to fly so far away from its lure of comfort and safety that I will never see it again.

Fear and terror and loss.

This is what I have to look forward to when it is my time to leave.

I leave to find a better life for myself; but the leaving will shred me to bits.

And the scattered pieces won't lead my way home.

+CROAK+