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The weekend arrived and flew by so rapidly that I hardly know what to say.

I had the cold that was mutating its way through the staff; I didn't know if I'd be able to go at all. But after a Friday night's sleep, I begged my way up to where I wanted to be and spent the day and night and day with my friends.

The first day was a day of getting used to the give and take of conversation with my peers again. I'd grown so used to people not understanding, comprehending, or even wanting to hear what I had to say that I kept apologizing for any missteps I might have taken.
But they are a forgiving lot, my peers.
I got to re-connect with an old friend who I had not seen in a long time.
I got to walk arm in arm with the Dark Angel and just BE.
I got to ignore anything vaguely resembling a schedule for a while.

OK, so it did rain in the middle of Zoltan The Adequate's show, but all in all, a good day was had.

Got to spend dinner with the friends, too- jumping from topic to topic with an ease I had thought long since rusted away from disuse.

And the evening- watched a good movie with two friends.
Evening melted into lateness... I reacquainted myself with Him and remembered things about me that I thought I had lost years ago.

What I said earlier about him was right, though- he can see through my panic and make me comfortable again.

But now something new coils itself inside of my head and whispers sickly murmurs into my heart:

You know it's not forever.
You know that you're just there for the briefest of heartbeats...
Trapped.
When you spread your wings to fly away from your fear and your chains, he will remain here and you must leave him- forever, this time.
He's teaching you how to leave him.

He is teaching me how to leave him. If/When I do gain the courage to leave the home I've burrowed into over the past decade, I will have to fly so far away from its lure of comfort and safety that I will never see it again.

Fear and terror and loss.

This is what I have to look forward to when it is my time to leave.

I leave to find a better life for myself; but the leaving will shred me to bits.

And the scattered pieces won't lead my way home.

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