Mood- tired (when am I not?) but otherwise okay.
Currently reading: The Book of Mah Jong- An Illustrated Guide by Amy Lo.
Music: The Tango Lesson from Sally Potter's film

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Wait.
Just wait a second and we'll go back to how I was feeling a few days ago. The 26th.
Like this:
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So here we go again.

Me in depression and "all alone" mode while I have a perfectly nice job and a roof over my head and food to eat and clothes to wear.

I don't want to take the chances waved in front of my eyes and crawl out from under this rock and live.

I'm killing myself.
I'm killing him by not being there for him.
I can't be there for him while I'm like this. He'd feel like he'd have to "fix" me and I don't want him to (oh, go ahead and say it) WASTE his energy on fixing me. It's going to end like that. I know it. He's going to become resentful of having to fix me all the time and I'll lose him all over again and I can't take that again.

And he knows it.
He knows that one false move and I'll snap.
And I know that when I leave he'll see me as everyone else: someone who takes and leaves.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

What is loose inside my head that I can't maintain even a friendship without it turning into a Hate Revue of failed promises that shouldn't have been made in the first place?
And I'm supposed to rein in my heart before it kills me again?

I'm falling apart and I won't be medicated.
I won't do it.
I watch and know I can't even take vitamins every morning without fail. I'd depend on medication to save my life and I'd fail.
J can't do it.
How can I?
J can't gather the strength to finish her PhD... she forgets her meds... she forgets me...
I'd never be able to do it.

Maintain the balance.

That's all I can do. I'll maintain the status quo and never shift an inch away from level and I'll die an old lady who never took the chances she was offered but I won't hurt any more people than I already have.

I won't make a dent in society.
But I won't be dented by life.

Out of the deep have I called unto thee, O Lord. Lord, hear my prayer.

And I miss him so much but I don't want him to know how much I need him in my life at any given moment; even though he probably already knows.

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So later that night I talk to Someone in my family and they think I need to take baby steps in order to not trip and fall over my Meta-Shoelaces.
I agree.

I have to get well.

I have to get well so I can be who I really am...
"..someone I am is waiting for courage..."

And later on I called D and we talked for a long time about many things... including a great banter on ethics in accepting education fundage.

I just wish I were _there_ so we could talk like that more often. It cranks my brain back into gear, you know?

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